I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
