I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
And then he peed in my hair
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
