omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
