I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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