We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you didnt know i had herpes?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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