Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
