You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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