Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
