What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Small penises have feelings too.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
