Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
