Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
