i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
