I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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