Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
