omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
