Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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