Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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