Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
