I will die if light touches me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
