just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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