We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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