like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
