I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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