GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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