so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
