I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
