The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
