Need sex. Gaining weight.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She bit a glass in half.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize