well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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