Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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