While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
