You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
