I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
