There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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