I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
