If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
