1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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