Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
