I want to walk on stilts...naked
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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