Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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