Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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