My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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