I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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