I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
