im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
