Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
