the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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