Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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