Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
