quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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