Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
