I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
