I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
