His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Randomize