we have pet lesbian snakes
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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