If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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