I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
