I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
