I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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