btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
