The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
this hospital has no fireball
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
