At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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