I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
